7 Reasons Prison is Better Than Turkey

  1. Air conditioning
  2. You don’t have to shit in a hole
  3. No ramadan… meals before sunset are more than a micowaved hamburger
  4. No ramadan… even in prison you get beer
  5. You get milk in your tea
  6. Beds won’t give you diseases
  7. There’s no stupid loud prayer calling at 4am


Turkey can go fuck itself. What a load of wank.

Over an hour at the border walking around various offices to get stamps for this… stamps for that before we can enter their crappy country.

We entered on the motorway and decided to drive to instanbul for lunch. Over 3 hours in the worstc oordinated traffic jam ever, we decided screw that and we’d just drive to this town called Ducze and spend the night.

Roads are insane, I must admit I loved the driving. It’s like an entire population of people who drive like me. No one gives a shit, they do what they want. It’s awesome. Like driving in a fast paced video game.

Petrol Station Getaway

On the way we stopped for petrol. In turkey you can’t fill up the petrol yourself, some attendant has to do it and operate some receipt machine. We got our car filled up and Andy aledgedly went in to pay. When he came out the guy stopped andy and was muttering turkisk to him and wouldn’t let us leave or Andy into the car.

I started the engine and drove a few feet forwards next to andy, ready for whatever getaway I might have to do.

Andy jumped in and the guy started yelling. We had no idea why, but he was a little aggressive, so I wasn’t hanging around. I speed off and drove round the corner. Only to have this guy start chasing us and yelling down the street. Weird. Is this normal behaviour every time we have to get petrol here?!

Barrier Jump Getaway

We hit the motorway and kept on driving. Another problem with turkey is their toll system. They throw you onto the motorway easily, but to pass through tolls you need a swipe card you have to buy before you enter the motorway. Obvioulsy no one except the locals know this.

It got to around 10pm and we exited the motorway only to be stopped by these barriers that won’t let you through without swiping a card. We spoke to the locals and they said you can’t get a card until 8am, and they were waiting on the side of the road, persumably for it to open at 8am! Madness.

Fuck it. I did a U-turn and drove the wrong way down the motorway until we found a gap to cross… we then headed for a smaller town where allegedly there was no barriers.

When we got there… barriers… fuck it. I just drove through this car chip scanner/open barrier thing. I’m not playing by their stupid retard traffic rules. The alarms of the barriers went off (very loud) and I noticed we were then speeding past 3 parked police cars.

I floored it, drove around the corner and off down the road!

Mwuahaha…. fuckers!

A few miles down there were some flashing lights in the distant behind us. After us? Who knows…. Nothing a quick left and then right turn can’t fix.

Job done… no police. We were worried that perhaps they might have our number plate flagged at the border.

We got to Ducze, found a hotel and checked in. We then headed out into town to explore and find a bar.

But we forgot that turkish people don’t like fun. So obvioulsy alchol didn’t exist and the only thing open was a cafe outside a mosque with some turkisk / islamic? Music playing.

The most you could buy was this stupid tea with no milk.

We went to a shop near by and got some juice, walked around, and headed back to sleep.

We wanted out of this country as quickly as possible. Everyone here was doing the whole Ramadan thing, which is no fun for a month and low blood sugar until sunset. Mix that with the general anger of turkish drivers….. awesome.

We drove for the whole next day until we got to Trazbon. Naturally we had to stop for petrol again. This time while filling up we had two soldiers come over to us, walk around the car occasionally tapping or hitting it… told us they were soldiers… told us, no girls and 3 guys in a car was gay… and then we drove off.

Fuck you Turkey.

Hostel Escape

In Trazbon, we drove past a hostel sign so walked in. Holy shit this place was an absolute dive. Slums have better conditions than this place… but it had beds and what was supposed to be a shower so we stayed and locked ourself in our room. The owner loved us, I think because we were the first english people she’d seen… even offered me a beer with her, which I declined… as I’m pretty sure her husband was sleep on the sofa.

Outside on their terrace… which was just a roof with the fire exit door removed, were 3 guys sitting around a table in the shadows smoking. From what I could see there was one very old man that looked to be asleep on a sofa there. There was something strange about him so I watched him for a few minutes as I finished my cigerette. I coudn’t see any movement in his chest… was he breathing? Was he dead? The other gentleman sitting in the area didn’t look too friendly, so I left them too it.

We had to get some sleep on these horrible beds next to an open window on the motorway. I think I managed to get a couple hours until their stupid bloody islamic pray music started at 4am. Every few hours the mosques go crazy and blare out chanting prayer music…. even at 4am.

Around 8am, andy wakes me up and we were all eager to leave.

Whilst Rus went and brushed his teeth I went on the “terrace” to enjoy a few moments of sunshine. The strange sinister characters had left, except the old man was in exactly the same position as he was last night! Again I couldn’t see the slightest movement. Was he dead?!

Who knows, I was more eager to leave than annoy these weird Turkish hostel owners by telling them a guest / prisoner might have died.

We very quickly packed our bags, checked for any diseases we may have picked up in our sleep (Rus had a huge rash) and went for the door.

No one else was up and the front doors were locked! We couldn’t get out.

Andy unlocked the reception room and rummaged around draws for some keys. I scouted the building for keys / owners to unlock the door.

In the communal living room there was a incredibly overweight guy asleep on the sofa with some keys inches from him. I very carefully lift the keys and head to the door. We were free! I silently returned the keys like the ninja I am and we were out!

As soon as I opened the door, two very confused “guests”? Of the hostel followed us out and walked out in the sun very dazed. Was a little surreal… had I just freed some turkish slaves?

We didn’t waste any time, in the car and we were off.

Tyre Blow Out

A few hours later, our tyre blew out on the motorway. The roads are so shitty it could’ve been anything. Andy very neatly guided the car tot he side of the road and I jumped out to sort out the tyre. We had all the tools and a spare in the boot, so it didn’t take us long to change.

A short trip down the road and we found a replacement tyre garage… with tonne of blown out tyres outside. We went over to them and they sorted us out with a new one in a matter of minutes. Only cost us around £18.

We then headed straight to the Georgian border crossing, only to have a 2-3 hour wait trying to leave their stupid fucking country.

Goodbye Turkey!

The only reason I’m ever going to go back, is if my kids start complaining. “You think your life is bad… go try have fun in turkey”

Sunny Beach, Bulgaria

I’ve heard so much good things about this place and have been looking forward to visiting it since the start.

The Ibiza of Europe

Sadly that’s exactly what this place is. Cheap, tacky and everyone there falls into one of three categories:

  • chavvy essex girls
  • chavvy angry guys
  • nervous timid 18yr old boys

The bikini babes are hot though!

Our plan was to stay two nights here, but half way through our first night we decided we’d leave in the morning. We bar hopped for a bit, although the entire place was a massive sausage fest.

We even had a go at an air rifle range and being the insane marksman that I am got an epic score and grouping….. whilst drunk!

As some of you have already figured out, we blog stories are censored (parents, sponsors, etc)…. so ask me for full versions!

Rus and I stumped into the hotel around 4am, got 4 hours sleep then had to head off to leave for Turkey.

Peak season, with a uninjured leg Sunny beach might actually be good. But not a place I’ll be revisiting anytime soon.


Entering Serbia was fine, we managed to get in without car insurance and spent the first hour or so driving through a very scenic mountain route.

Insane Injury

I really needed to pee and take over the driving, so we pulled up at this… what may have been this abondoned petrol station/shop. I got out and walked round the corner. On the way back I walked back across the grass and managed to step on a completely hidden drain cover. It broke and my leg went completely through it. A small slip is what I thought, but after a few steps the sheer amount of blood made me think twice!

I hobbled back and shouted for the first aid kit, whch Rus was very quick in finding. I poured water over the wound and held some tissue on it to stop some of the bleeding whilst Rus searched for guaze and bandages in the huge first aid kit.

Once found I wacked on the guaze and used an entire bandage to hold everything in place which didnt even cover the whole injury. Was so deep and nasty but that managed to stop the bleeding.

Enough for me to speed off on a 3 hour drive to Belgrade.


We arrived at Belgrade and checked into the best hostel we’ve stayed at so far. Our adventure is always a massive talking point, so it’s easy to befriend everyone.

We showered and got ready for a night out. I had a second round of first aid, where I used alchol and fresh bandages again…. which turned out was still bleeding! OUCH!

The Bohemian District

We headed out to dinner in this area that was recommended by the staff at the hostel. The food was fantastic. Virutally every place we go, we always order whatever the waiter recommends, so we can try some new local cusiune. We had a huge platter of salad, breads and meats. Was EPIC. Mixed with however many beers we racked up. The entire meal came to around £30. Insane. Belgrade is incredibly cheap.

After the meal we walked past a bar where the entire hostel staff and guests were partying. Rus and Andy joined them, but my leg was in mild agony so I headed back.

The next morning after checking my wound I realised it had gotten worse, so decided a trip to the hospital might be wise.

However I was craving coffee and cake, so we went to find a cafe that did cake first. We sat in a popular square outdoors and enjoyed awesome coffee and local cake…. I think its a fact that every single girl in Serbia is super hot.

Whilst eating the cake I enjoyed the benefits of WiFi. Belgrade is not very touristy at all, so I used google translate for “I fell through a drain in the mountains and badly hurt my leg 🙁 I tried to fix it myself, please take a look”

Hospital Visit

I then hobbled into the hospital and presented the receptionist with my phone showing the trnaslated message. I few had gestures and zero communication in english, I was soon seen my a couple nurses and a doctor. They used some crazy solution that stung like hell and then used this weird glue to hold the wound together whilst I banged the desk in pain! Double the amount of bandages I used and a injection later I was good to go. Completely free, in-out in under 20 minutes. A better health system than England thats for sure.

We then walked around Belgrade and went to go visit the castle there. The views there were awesome, you could see way down the river and see over virtually the whole city. It’s huge!

In the evening we joined in for a Serbian language class at the hostel. We were taught:

  • Dobla Riba – Sexy chick
  • Uni Sesememe – Will you marry me
  • I podji Samnom – Lets go…

All we would need for a night out in what they called the gangster “Silicon Valley” district. Have a guess why its called that 😉

After food we eagerly headed over to what they described as awesome night life. We walked down the street this insane area was suppoesd to be on and kept passing quiet empty cafe/bars. We thought, surely it’s further up but turns out that was the area. So we sat down in a bar with only 2 women in and sipped beers. A few beers later we headed home.

Belgrade is supposed to be a party town?!! Even Brighton beats Belgrade in night life.


Part 1:
Entering the country was interesting. First time in, we had our car pulled over at the border and all our documents, papers and car were searched through extensively. We were there for about an hour where every single bag had to be searched, all whilst what was clearly a rabid dog walked around a carpark no more than 20 metres away from us.

The landscape in Bosnia is pretty barron. Good to look at for a minute, but very repetative.

Mostar Bridge

We stopped for lunch in this place called Mostar. It has a famous bridge and is the only tourist place in the country. Food was great, weather was scortching and we sat and had lunch over looking the famous bridge and wonderful river.

Each year they hold diving competitions off the birdge, the water looks so refreshing im tempted for next year!

Part 2:

Bosnia Border Crossing

This time we had to pass through Bosnia to get into Serbia. At the border we were stopped again and asked for our insurnace green card… which we don’t have. This meant we had to wait 2 hours for the insurance guy to show up and sell us car insurance for us to allowed into the country.

It did provide some time for us to bond with the border guards. We chatted about all sorts…. Extreme sports, the war, knife fights, shooting Rus and our trip. I even got to chit-chat a little in German with one of the guards who was allegedly from Germany.

Overall… the country is pants.

Everywhere is ridden with signs of war. Virtually every building in the cities we past through have bullet holes over it. Tonnes of HUGE buildings are just deserted and let derelict. Roads are horrible…. but better maintained than Brighton.

I don’t think I’ll be going back to Bosnia.

Split, Croatia

After blitzing it down from Slovenia, we ended up in Split, Croatia in the evening.

We decided we’d take the coastal road to our Croatia destinations, as it’s supposed to be beautiful. Everyone was right. The drive down to Split was excellent, good tunes playing, sun was out, it was insanely hot and the coastal sights were outstanding.

In between the coastal route we ended up driving through the mountains as well. The landscape is pretty baron, and majority of coast line is rocky, as opposed to sand…. so not a country I’d like to live in, but still beautiful and worth visiting.

We took the longer route, but was worth it.


We arrived at our apartment we rented around 8pm. We chose this one as its 2 minutes from the beach and nightlife, so as soon as we arrived Andy and I got into our swim gear and headed down to the beach to have a quick swim during the sunset. Rus had got bitten by a dog virtually as soon as we arrived in Split, so he stayed in the apartment and researched hospitals so he could get double checked for rabies… better safe than sorry.

On our return, a quick power nap, shower and we were ready to head out the eat and enjoy the night life. Rus headed off to hospital and joined us later.

Andy and I headed into town and very quickly befriended two girls who guided us on a 20 minute walk to a resturant they recommended. They were fantastic and so was their choice in resturant.

Arroba Marual Resurant

This place was AMAZING. Food was a little pricey (we’re still used to budapest prices… but it was good value in comparison to UK).

We sat outside, enjoyed the cool evening temprature and live local band bucking in the square around the corner.

We ordered a seafood platter with a variety of sides and… wow. It was absolutely fantastic… If I was a meal… I’d be exactly what we ordered.


Overall. Split was AWESOME.

We met up with the girls we met earlier and walked with them 20 minutes to the beach bar terrace area which is the notorious night life area for the locals.

We spent the night in the terrace bars partying it up and had an epic time. 1/2 the girls there were literally 6ft models and they had professional bikini dancers outside.

Travellers mixed with locals are literally the best fun you can have in a night club.

We’ve decided to move to budapest, but incorpoate a weekend in Split every month or so.


We got to Ljubljana, Slovenia around 6pm and headed off to check into a hostel. We tried one that looked like it was ghetto central. Thankfully it was full. Two hostels later, we were told only 1 had beds for the night. We left our car by the river and walked for 10 minutes down the river, which seemed to be the main focal point of the city… to the hostel.

Alibi Hostel

20 Euroes a night for prison conditions. Madness… but it beats sleeping in the car. I had to share a room with 4 french loud douchebags and a stonned American guy. Who’s conversation went as far as… “I flew to India from America but didn’t have a visa… So I got sent back home… And that’s how I ended up here” …. riiiiiiiight…. Americans!

Hostel was horrible, proper slum. Shower heads were broken so it was just a hose, toilet doors with no locks…. and surrounded by riff-raff.

I now know what life is like on the other side.

We did however meet a lovely girl from holland who was travelling by herself and joined us for a night out.

We ate at a resturant on the side of the river and I enjoyed beer and an amazing posh ocotopus dish over looking a beautiful river surrounded by bars and fantastic eye candy. I can’t get over how insanely stunning every girl is here. It’s like leaving england is the equivilent of taking the red pill in the matrix.

Skeleton Bar

After dinner we headed to a famous Skeleton bar. It’s up a cobbled street with tiny stone heads in the centre.

The skeleton bar is small, but filled with various real and fake skeletons. You enter and walk down some stone steps with skeletons in the walls. Freaky.

When you enter the bar area, theres a glass floor with a half excavated skeleton lying there. Various skeletons in cages are dotted around the bar.

Their shot menu was extensive with some insane sounding shots… and with 2-4-1 cocktails you can’t go wrong.

The bottom of the menu it says “If the waiter doesn’t bring you a bill, you’re not obliged to pay” AWESOME. Our waiter did though 🙁

We sadly ended up being joined by a very drunk, overweight slovenian dude who did nothing for 30 minutes except mistake everything we said as an insult and assuring us he was not an idiot or dumb. Talk about self esteem issues, jeese.

We were joined by another 2 english girls who we chatted with for about an hour. Afterwards we decided to move to another bar for a final drink. The two girls were very keen on getting us to a club with them. However me and Rus weren’t in the mood for clubbing… plus the girls were english and we werent ready to re-enter the matrix. We headed off back to the hostel at 1am which is when the entire city (minus only a handful of bars/clubs) shutdown! 1Am and it was totally dead. Madness.

The lack of intense nightlife and the price of everything has taken Slovenia off the possible relocation list. Even though its cheaper than england… this place doesnt compare to budapest.

The drive in and our of Slovenia was awesome. The views are spectacular. Lovely country roads, mountains and great scenery.

20120724-105247.jpg20120724-105309.jpg20120724-105321.jpg20120724-105343.jpgSlovenia nightlife after 1am!


We thought prague was epic… then we discovered budapest in hungary. This place has blown our minds, to the degree we’ve spent the last couple of mornings researching apartments for long term rental after deciding we’re living here next year.

This city is cheap and incredible. The scenery is interesting, tonnes of historic buildings line the streets but over time have turned slightly ghetto. There’s a few absolutely stunning buildings and sights to be seen around the city, but like most tourist cities, these are scarce and dotted around. Everyone here also speaks english which helps massively. Even the locals, so socialising is easy.

Most importantly, the women here are so stunning it’s hard to process. My brain has been in overload since prague with trying to cope the sheer beauty of literally everyone.

We stayed in a hostel while here… my first time in a hostel, you know the type you share a room with other people. I’ve become riff-raff! It was actually good as we met other rallies there and teamed up with a group of irish girls for a night out. Hostels are very sociable, I’m thinking we’ll be sticking to this idea for most of the trip.

Szechenyi Bath house

This was absolutely perfection. The budapest bath houses are built on the roman bath house ideas. You have multiple pools indoor and out all with various temperatures. There’s also massages, suanas, jacuzzi, ice bath and even a whirl pool for the less mature of us.

I absolutely loved this place. We basked in the sun, enjoyed every one of the facilities and spent the whole time surrounded again by the most beautiful girls I’ve seen. Literally everyone here could be a model, it’s madness…. so I think i’ll fit in well if I move here.

Downside is, being a guy… swimming trunks aren’t the most discreet item of clothing to wear when surrounded with bikini babes.

I can’t speak for the others, but it was certainly long and hard work to constantly be suppressing what could be a embarrassing moment.

The entire hardship of the trip so far was totally worth it, just to spent 5 hours in the Szechenyi bath house.

Night life

As you know my life revolves around night life. Part the reason I’m on this trip.

Night life in budapest is quite possibly 60-70% better than Brighton. Budapest is a party city. Fact.

Its full of tourists just looking to let loose and everyone is up for pushing the boundries of whats socially acceptable and have an adventure. Plus, as I said… everyone speaks english, even the locals.

Each night we found the best bars in our area (after going to a salsa night for Andy). Budapest is big on what they call “ruin bars”. Bars that are essentially converted court yards from old historic buildings… little bit grimey but with style.

With our nights out in Brighton, those who join know that we OWN every single night we’re out and this skill is universal … and for the pua guys reading.. so is “the spin” 😉 It was very easy to completely own the bars we were in and become the centre of the party…. (tourists are pussies!) I can only imagine the carnage if all the crew joined for a night out in budapest!

Did I mention its cheap? Also, budapest serve beer thats brewed a different way using less chemicals. I’ve been blitzing it each night and woken up with minimal hangover. Also, drinks like bacardi and coke… served in pint glasses, not the pathetic english sizes!

Budapest know how to party.

Day 2: Journey to Prague

Seeing as I got the most sleep, it seemed fitting I continued the drive in the morning.

Before we left we also stole a towel and toilet role. Why? Because we’re badass! … and forgot to pack them before we left :/

After an early start we got to our destination at around 2pm! “THE RACE TRACK AWAITS” we thought! “The TomTom wouldn’t betray us” we thought.

Turns out… Nuremburg and the nurenbergring race track are 2 completely different things. We were 300 miles off course. Nuremburg as it turns out, is a town/city that was big on its nazi rallies and not as it turns out where the famous race track is.

On the drive down, I was on boob watch so we could use the megaphone as intended… to encourage girls to flash us their boobs as we drove past. Figured it would makes the motorway driving more exciting. As our luck would have it though, it seems cars filled with super hot bikini babes don’t take the AutoBahn to historic nazi rally sites. Better luck in Russia perhaps.
However, we made the most of a bad situation and grabbed a chinese, used their wifi and did a spot of work and booked our hotel in prague tonight! I also found out I’ve ordering rabbit for years in german speaking countries, as opposed to chicken. Chicken is Hahn, not Kaninchen!

So far we’ve:

  • Driven blindfolded
  • Potentially damaged our fan belt
  • Endured an alarm every 9 minutes
  • Used our megaphone LIKE A BOSS!
  • Driven 300 miles off course
  • Accidentally visited a historic nazi rally location
  • Practised our german
  • Maxed out our car at a whopping 92mph!!!! COME ON!
  • Made a complete hash of everything
  • Not been asked for our passports once!

We blitzed it to Prague, so we had enough time for an epic night out… before we explore the city and have the castle party the following night!

Sadly no pictures today, as I need to charge my iphone.

Prague is outstanding, city is beautiful and the girls are even more so.

We found a wicked hostel for only 20 euro each a night, with wifi!

Once checked in, we headed out straight away! We popped into a czech resturant and had a whole meal of traditional food. Cabbage soup, beef goulash and strudel. Was delisious and SO cheap.

Then we explored the city a little, chatted to the support band for Marilyn Manson after the concert, had guys try to sell us crack and then hit up a club.

One of the girls in the club was telling us about hte glory of Budapest bath houses, so we’ve added that to our to-do list!

prague nightlife square

…. oh and Andy mistook the brake for the clutch. Essentially did ½ an emergency stop on the centre lane of the motorway. Luckily no cars behind, otherwise we could of died!

Smooth Andy 😉 … Think I’ll be driving the next.

Day 1

The adventure started after we did our leaving lap of the goodwood race track. On competition we had to pull over to inspect our fan belt… as its making a peculiar noise. Not really what you want happening 1 mile into a 10,000 mile trip! It only happens when we turn the car on, we cant hear it when we’re cruising the motorway, so figure it’s not a big deal. We’ve decided to let nature take its course. We’ve got a spare in the glove box, just no idea how to fit it.

After a lengthy and nerve racking drive as Andy drove us to Dover (Andy attempted blind folded driving), we boarded the ferry. We met some awesome guys on the rally and exchanged details so we can meet up with them in Georgia. We also met a Finish teenager who’s travelling all around Europe and more… completely by herself, with nothing more than a backpack. Adventurer!

People laughed as our car drove off the ferry due to its horrible dying noise…. but we had the last laugh as we bombed it past many of them on the motorway.

Once we reached france, our plan was to just blitz it to the Nurenburgring to thrash the car around a race track before we head off to prague for the 2nd launch party! So we loaded up the coordinates in the TomTom and hit the road! Armed with energy drinks we drove way into the night with a couple of close encounters :-/ One involving partly mounting the side of the motorway, another involving clipping a tree. It was after the latter we decided it would be safer to stop and continue the journey the following day.

It was around 4am, we’d been driving for a further 7 hours since we got off the ferry. We pulled up next to a motel which wanted 60 euro for a single bed!!! Screw that, so we decided to sleep in the car… like posh hobo’s. So we hopped in our sleeping bags, found a dark spot and laid back to sleep. Most uncomfortable experience ever. Only took 30 minutes of tossing and turning before Rus marched into the Motel and got the room. Me and andy snuck in afterwards and managed to get a perfect 2 hours sleep…. before Rus’s iphone which is completely broken due to rain at launch party…. decided it will turn on on its own every 9 minutes for a very loud alarm. This continued until lunch time the following day.

Luckily, as you may know I sleep through absolutely anything. So I was only woken 3 times from this continuous alarm!