Turkey can go fuck itself. What a load of wank.

Over an hour at the border walking around various offices to get stamps for this… stamps for that before we can enter their crappy country.

We entered on the motorway and decided to drive to instanbul for lunch. Over 3 hours in the worstc oordinated traffic jam ever, we decided screw that and we’d just drive to this town called Ducze and spend the night.

Roads are insane, I must admit I loved the driving. It’s like an entire population of people who drive like me. No one gives a shit, they do what they want. It’s awesome. Like driving in a fast paced video game.

Petrol Station Getaway

On the way we stopped for petrol. In turkey you can’t fill up the petrol yourself, some attendant has to do it and operate some receipt machine. We got our car filled up and Andy aledgedly went in to pay. When he came out the guy stopped andy and was muttering turkisk to him and wouldn’t let us leave or Andy into the car.

I started the engine and drove a few feet forwards next to andy, ready for whatever getaway I might have to do.

Andy jumped in and the guy started yelling. We had no idea why, but he was a little aggressive, so I wasn’t hanging around. I speed off and drove round the corner. Only to have this guy start chasing us and yelling down the street. Weird. Is this normal behaviour every time we have to get petrol here?!

Barrier Jump Getaway

We hit the motorway and kept on driving. Another problem with turkey is their toll system. They throw you onto the motorway easily, but to pass through tolls you need a swipe card you have to buy before you enter the motorway. Obvioulsy no one except the locals know this.

It got to around 10pm and we exited the motorway only to be stopped by these barriers that won’t let you through without swiping a card. We spoke to the locals and they said you can’t get a card until 8am, and they were waiting on the side of the road, persumably for it to open at 8am! Madness.

Fuck it. I did a U-turn and drove the wrong way down the motorway until we found a gap to cross… we then headed for a smaller town where allegedly there was no barriers.

When we got there… barriers… fuck it. I just drove through this car chip scanner/open barrier thing. I’m not playing by their stupid retard traffic rules. The alarms of the barriers went off (very loud) and I noticed we were then speeding past 3 parked police cars.

I floored it, drove around the corner and off down the road!

Mwuahaha…. fuckers!

A few miles down there were some flashing lights in the distant behind us. After us? Who knows…. Nothing a quick left and then right turn can’t fix.

Job done… no police. We were worried that perhaps they might have our number plate flagged at the border.

We got to Ducze, found a hotel and checked in. We then headed out into town to explore and find a bar.

But we forgot that turkish people don’t like fun. So obvioulsy alchol didn’t exist and the only thing open was a cafe outside a mosque with some turkisk / islamic? Music playing.

The most you could buy was this stupid tea with no milk.

We went to a shop near by and got some juice, walked around, and headed back to sleep.

We wanted out of this country as quickly as possible. Everyone here was doing the whole Ramadan thing, which is no fun for a month and low blood sugar until sunset. Mix that with the general anger of turkish drivers….. awesome.

We drove for the whole next day until we got to Trazbon. Naturally we had to stop for petrol again. This time while filling up we had two soldiers come over to us, walk around the car occasionally tapping or hitting it… told us they were soldiers… told us, no girls and 3 guys in a car was gay… and then we drove off.

Fuck you Turkey.

Hostel Escape

In Trazbon, we drove past a hostel sign so walked in. Holy shit this place was an absolute dive. Slums have better conditions than this place… but it had beds and what was supposed to be a shower so we stayed and locked ourself in our room. The owner loved us, I think because we were the first english people she’d seen… even offered me a beer with her, which I declined… as I’m pretty sure her husband was sleep on the sofa.

Outside on their terrace… which was just a roof with the fire exit door removed, were 3 guys sitting around a table in the shadows smoking. From what I could see there was one very old man that looked to be asleep on a sofa there. There was something strange about him so I watched him for a few minutes as I finished my cigerette. I coudn’t see any movement in his chest… was he breathing? Was he dead? The other gentleman sitting in the area didn’t look too friendly, so I left them too it.

We had to get some sleep on these horrible beds next to an open window on the motorway. I think I managed to get a couple hours until their stupid bloody islamic pray music started at 4am. Every few hours the mosques go crazy and blare out chanting prayer music…. even at 4am.

Around 8am, andy wakes me up and we were all eager to leave.

Whilst Rus went and brushed his teeth I went on the “terrace” to enjoy a few moments of sunshine. The strange sinister characters had left, except the old man was in exactly the same position as he was last night! Again I couldn’t see the slightest movement. Was he dead?!

Who knows, I was more eager to leave than annoy these weird Turkish hostel owners by telling them a guest / prisoner might have died.

We very quickly packed our bags, checked for any diseases we may have picked up in our sleep (Rus had a huge rash) and went for the door.

No one else was up and the front doors were locked! We couldn’t get out.

Andy unlocked the reception room and rummaged around draws for some keys. I scouted the building for keys / owners to unlock the door.

In the communal living room there was a incredibly overweight guy asleep on the sofa with some keys inches from him. I very carefully lift the keys and head to the door. We were free! I silently returned the keys like the ninja I am and we were out!

As soon as I opened the door, two very confused “guests”? Of the hostel followed us out and walked out in the sun very dazed. Was a little surreal… had I just freed some turkish slaves?

We didn’t waste any time, in the car and we were off.

Tyre Blow Out

A few hours later, our tyre blew out on the motorway. The roads are so shitty it could’ve been anything. Andy very neatly guided the car tot he side of the road and I jumped out to sort out the tyre. We had all the tools and a spare in the boot, so it didn’t take us long to change.

A short trip down the road and we found a replacement tyre garage… with tonne of blown out tyres outside. We went over to them and they sorted us out with a new one in a matter of minutes. Only cost us around £18.

We then headed straight to the Georgian border crossing, only to have a 2-3 hour wait trying to leave their stupid fucking country.

Goodbye Turkey!

The only reason I’m ever going to go back, is if my kids start complaining. “You think your life is bad… go try have fun in turkey”

125 thoughts on “Turkey

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